Funniest Travel Quotes of All Time

We’re all familiar with the usual travel quotes, you know, the ones penned by tremendous writers such as Twain and Theroux longingly romanticizing the grand “unknown”. And while there’s a time and a place for these inspiring words, there are also times when a sense of humour is your best friend – especially when you’re confronted with the endlessly absurd and stressful situations every globetrotter faces at one time or another.

Travel doesn’t always have to be about “finding yourself”. It can be about finding yourself… sitting in row 24A on a 7-hour flight next to the smelliest, most-talkative person to ever board a plane in the history of the world and wondering just what the hell you did to the God’s of Wanderlust to deserve to be there. Not speaking from experience * cough *.

If having lost luggage turn up at whatever destination you’ve just left sounds familiar, or suspicious border security guards speaking a language you don’t understand or you’ve experienced a smelly chatterbox sitting next to you on the plane, then this list of the funniest travel quotes ever written will surely amuse. Because when life gives you lemons, ask the air-hostess for three mini-bottles of vodka and a packet of sweetener…

“Airplane travel is nature’s way of making you look like your passport photo.” — Al Gore

“I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags.” – Guy Clark

“In America there are two classes of travel — first class, and with children.” – Robert Benchley

“Airline travel is hours of boredom interrupted by moments of stark terror.” – Al Boliska

“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.” – Paul Theroux

“[Airline food] is the tiniest food I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Any kind of meat that you get — chicken, steak, anything — has grill marks on each side, like somehow we’ll actually believe there’s an open-flame grill in the front of the plane.” – Ellen DeGeneres

“You want to know what it’s like to be on a plane for 22 hours? Sit in a chair, squeeze your head as hard as you can, don’t stop, then take a paper bag and put it over your mouth and nose and breath your own air over and over and over.” – Lewis Black

“When you hand someone a camera, why do they act like you just asked them to dissemble a bomb? They take it and they’re like, ‘What do I do… I don’t really… ha-huh…’ Yeah, it’s the button on the top right where it always is since the beginning of #*@! time!” – Dane Cook

“There’s nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home.” — Stephen Colbert

“Never get behind old people. Their bodies are littered with hidden metal and they never seem to appreciate how little time they have left.

“Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know — because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful.” — Lewis Black 

“Thanks to the interstate highway system, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything.” – Charles Kuralt

“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist.” – Russell Baker

“You got to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.” – Yogi Berra

“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.” – George Carlin

“On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing.” – Lewis Grizzard

“France is the only country where the money falls apart and you can’t tear the toilet paper.” – Billy Wilder

“There is science, logic, reason; there is thought verified by experience. And then there is California.” – Edward Abbey

“If you’ve seen one redwood tree, you’ve seen them all.” – Ronald Reagan

“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money”. – Unknown